It's a quarter after one and I'm gonna start on my first part time job in less than 10 hours time. Mix feelings I would say. It's like finally it's my turn to earn some money on my own and stop listening to all the rantings from my mum as to how I spend/manage my expenses. For what I know/feel now is that if you can't find happiness or purpose at home, you got to get out. And by getting out, you need some cash. I guess as people grow older, they are so stuck with their daily routine that they stop being adventurous, they stop being curious as to what might just happen in their life if they take that one risk. Any form of risk.
Right now, all I know is that I do not want to live like that in the future. I have no particular idea about what I want to do, where I want to go, who I want to meet. But all I know is that I want to be curious, I want to be, as cliche as it may sound, happy. Shit happens all the time. I grow, I change, I take things differently, I control my emotions differently. It just suck so much to realise that I can tolerate so much more misfortune in the past when I was a kid. But now, even nothing as bad can just trigger that weakest point of mine. I don't like to be triggered, I don't like to be upset. Purpose, what's the purpose of doing whatever we are doing now. What's the purpose of not taking risk, what's the purpose of being scared of this and that. I don't understand myself sometimes, really. Fear, I have them, I know what are they. But why did I even allow it to take control of me. Why did I allow you to take control of my emotions?
If there ever come a day where everything decides to not fall into place and crumble further. I'm gonna start hating, I'm gonna start breaking. For now, I'll remain cool. I just wish that you guys know that I exist and that I have feelings too. I wish people would stop attacking me as though I'm bulletproof. I wish I don't have to feel any form of pain anymore.
